It is that time. There is a chill in the air, your mom tells you to put on a jacket whenever you call her, Lorelai Gilmore smells snow, and Mariah Carey has wormed her way into our brains like…well, a brainworm (a thing I learned was terrifyingly real this year—thanks, politics). But whether you celebrate by bopping out to Mariah, making snow angels, or in my case, wet asphalt angels (it doesn’t snow where I am), you will probably have some pie in the next couple of months. In fact, you probably have a favorite pie of all the pies you might consume in the next few months. But that’s not why we are here today. We are here to determine which holiday pie fits your personality based on your zodiac sign, so get your pie-eating forks ready, and let’s slice in!
Aries (March 21-April 19): Apple Pie (With a Super-Extra Lattice Design)
Aries people are intense. They want to be number one, and if there is anything I have learned from years of corporate baking competitions, Friendsgivings, and family members at Thanksgiving who keep expecting you to one-up yourself year after year after year after year, it’s that presentation matters. Will people remember how delicious your apple pie was? No. But will they remember that you crafted the Mona Lisa out of 200 interlocking pieces of pie crust to use in lieu of a lattice on top? Maybe. People will at least be complimenting you on it all night, and for an Aries, that’s all you really need from the Holidays.
Read our ranking of the best frozen apple pie
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Cherry Pie
It’s warm, it’s gooey, it’s comforting, and I swear this and a dollop of Cool Whip could cure me of my late-stage capitalism and weird, weak ankles. You know what else does that? A comforting talk with a Taurus friend by a fire with some apple cider. Tauruses lack all that stressful frenetic energy your dad’s uncle Leonard brings to the table, so this year we should all just stick to cherry pie and Tauruses and let sleeping Leonards lie.
Read our ranking of the best cherry pie filling
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Sweet Potato Pie (or Casserole) with Toasted Marshmallow
Within every Gemini lives two devils, much like our friend, the beloved sweet potato pie. In Gemini folks, it is order and chaos, light and darkness, Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart. In a toasted marshmallow-topped sweet potato pie it is superfood and lightly burnt fluffy candy. The result? An absolutely delicious pie. And on the Gemini front? Some real fascinating folks.
Read our ranking of the best marshmallows
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Chess Pie
Cancers aren’t always what they seem. If you just looked at them you might think they are kind of bland run-of-the-mill so-and-sos who get their thrills from sippin’ soup and building IKEA furniture, but have one real conversation with them and you will realize that they get their thrills from seeking out the world’s best soups and hunting for the perfect vintage furniture for their tiny-but-artsy loft-style apartment. Similarly, this pie looks like it is a classic yet difficult game of strategy but it turns out it is a delicious custard pie often enjoyed in the American South. Basically, don’t judge a Cancer (or a pie) by its cover!
Leo (July 23-August 22): Pumpkin Pie
Child’s play. No brainer. What other pie could they possibly be?
Read our ranking of the best pumpkin pie
Virgo (August 23-September 22): Cheesecake
I already know what you are thinking, and let me stop you right there. “Cheesecake isn’t a pie,” you say, “It literally says cake in the name,” you say. Well, think about it. If a pie is stuff in a crust, cheesecake is a pie. If a cake is a mix of flour, eggs, sugar, and a rising agent, Cheesecake is not a cake. Also, shortcake has cake in the name and that’s a flat-out savory biscuit so who is to say really what is and isn’t anything? But I digress. Cheesecake pairs with Virgos because it solves a bunch of holiday problems in addition to being delicious, the same way Virgos somehow manage to solve all the world’s problems while still being fun. Cheesecake is easy to make gluten-free, it’s easy to buy at any store, people who are tired of warm spices and fall-flavored everything will thank you for the refreshing change of pace, and (perhaps most importantly) the whole state of Wisconsin will back you on this one (because cheese).
Read our ranking of the best store bought cheesecake
Libra (September 23-October 22): Cranberry Orange Pie
Are there more balanced holiday flavors out there than the sweet, tart, buttery, floral, adventure that is a cranberry orange pie? Nope. Libras are known for their love of harmony and balance and this not-too-sweet dessert is sure to please any Libra. And most other people too.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Chocolate Cream Pie
You know the old Scorpio motto: Never let them guess your next move. Scorpio season falls smack in line with pumpkin pie season, so you would think they would be pumpkin pie, right? Wrong. Scorpios are mysterious and like to do and say whatever makes them happy in the moment (we could all learn a thing or two from them) and I know that my brother, a Scorpio, would simply die of happiness if he saw a chocolate pie at the Thanksgiving dessert table. Scorpios have had enough of pumpkin—give them the chocolate pies they want and deserve!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Mock Apple Pie
What is a mock apple pie? Well, none other than an apple pie that looks and tastes like an apple pie but actually uses Ritz crackers instead of apples. I know, trippy, right? But you know it is your adventurous and curious Sagittarius friends who are trying out this recipe and running around to everyone at the table this holiday season asking, “Did you try the mock apple pie? What do you think is in it? I’ll give you a hint, it’s not apples!” and then delighting in the countless interactions where every person other than themselves is stumped.
Read our ranking of the best apple pie filling
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Chocolate Candy Cane Pie
Capricorns do have their birthdays around all the major winter holidays, which is the one time of year when peppermint desserts are a thing. The rest of the year we just get green mint. Why is this? Who can say, but the status quo is that peppermint is a November and December-only treat and if I’ve learned anything from High School Musical, it is that we have to stick to the status quo. But Capricorns being the mature, old souls that they are, it only makes sense to give them a delicious, creamy, seasonal treat complete with the most classic, old-timey, candy still in the mainstream: the candy cane.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Peanut Butter Chocolate Pie
Is this really a holiday-only sort of pie? No. But since when have Aquarians ever followed the rules? Aquarians are innovative, out-of-the-box thinkers, and as such it seems pretty likely that when asked to bring a holiday pie to the holiday party, they are going to prioritize uniqueness and taste over tradition, hence the ever-delicious peanut butter chocolate pie (with an Oreo crust, of course).
Pisces (February 19-March 20): Pecan Pie
Get it? Because they are nuts! Just kidding, Pisces, we would never do you dirty like that. As the sweetest of all the holiday pies it only makes sense to give this one to our sweet, sweet Pisces friends. It is not only a sweet pie, but it also has some depth of flavor from the nuts and caramelized sugar as well as a heaping helping of nostalgia and some warm spices. Similarly, Pisces people tend to have some depth of character to them, love to bring up nostalgic moments from your childhood at the holiday dinner table (for better or for worse), and love to keep things (warm) spicy, even over the holidays.
Read our ranking of the best store bought pecan pie
Thoughts? Questions? Complete disagreement? Leave a comment!