If you know anything about me, you know that in the immortal words of Miss Mariah Carey, all I want for Christmas is ranch. I mean you are there too or whatever, but have you met ranch? Anyway, my point is that last week Hidden Valley dropped what is possibly the tangiest, garlickiest* holiday cards, and I am stoked. You all should be stoked too because not only can you now purchase a (dare I say it) priceless set of ranch-themed and ranch-filled holiday cards for the low, low price of $18, we also all get to live with the knowledge that thousands of Americans this year will be receiving sachets of ranch dressing in their cards this holiday season and that is a beautiful thing. I am aware you all might still have some questions, and so do I. Let’s unpack this buttermilk-based mystery.
How much Hidden Valley Ranch do you get per greeting card? Are the cards funny? Sappy? Zesty like ranch? How many cards do I get for $18 and is this actually worth it or just a funny concept?
Amazing questions! Funny, I had the same ones. Let’s start at the top. I examined a photo of one of the greeting cards on Hidden Valley’s website to discern the nutrition facts and here’s what I found: Each packet contains 100 calories, or one serving of ranch. That is equal to 23mL, if you are a scientist, or 0.8 fl oz, if you are a regular ol’ American. I cross-referenced this with a bottle of normal Hidden Valley Ranch and actually cross-multiplied for you guys (because I really do care) and found that this is a little over 1.5 tbsp of ranch. Neat!
The cards themselves are more like postcards than greeting cards. The four different images you get in a pack are a Christmas tree made of French fries with ranch as the string lights, a champagne tower of ranch complete with wings and celery sticks on the glasses for garnish, a slice of pizza with a ranch snow run and a tiny dude is sledding down, and a mashed potato snowman with a ranch scarf and earmuffs. So visually you could say they are tongue-in-cheek takes on ranch-themed winter scenes. Personally, I think they all belong in the Louvre.
Now, these are not terribly expensive for what they are, not to mention the added whimsy they throw in for free, which will be sure to bring your families and friends hours of joy (you literally tear a postcard in half and there is a ranch packet in there…I am not over this yet). You can find them on the Hidden Valley store site where you can get eight holiday cards (two of each design) for $18. That is a little over $2 per card which is reasonable for greeting cards, except that most greeting cards don’t come with ranch in them. So I don’t know about you, but in my household, I do believe ranch might literally be in the cards for this holiday season.
*I’m a professional writer (I swear), so if I say “garlickiest” is a word, don’t question it…for the record I don’t say it’s a word, but if I did, you couldn’t question it, and if you did question it, you’d legally have to tell me. Though, for the record, I do think “garlicky” deserves a superlative form.
Thoughts? Questions? Complete disagreement? Leave a comment!