What Kind of Monster Are You? (We’re Talking About the Energy Drink)

There are almost as many flavors of Monster Energy drink as there have been U.S. Presidents. Heck, there are more flavors of Monster Energy drink than there are days in a month, books I have read in the past five years, and people on Forbes’ list of individuals who aren’t 30 yet. That said, if you are a person, there is a Monster Energy drink you will like. Not only that, but there is one that fits your vibe based on your zodiac sign. So today we finally answer the question: What kind of Monster are you?

Aries (March 21-April 19): Juice Monster Mango Loco

This Monster tastes like a perfectly ripe mango. Who doesn’t love the taste of a perfectly ripe mango? Probably only people who are allergic. Similarly, who doesn’t like hanging out with Aries folks? Probably also only people who are allergic. Thus, this one must be Aries. I rest my case.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Monster Nitro Super Dry

Nitro bubbles make drinks super smooth, and you know who else is smooth? Tauruses. They are the kings of suave. The cucumbers of keepin’ it cool. The calm before, after, and during the storm. They are the lil nitro bubbles, not the big regular soda bubbles. I believe this to be true. Plus, this Monster has taurine in it and that sounds like Taurus.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Rehab Monster Tea + Lemonade

There’s a lot going on here. It’s tea, it’s lemonade, it is energy. Likewise, sometimes after an interaction with one of my Gemini friends, I think they are made of tea, lemonade, and pure energy because they never get tired and always have to pee. Aside from that, look at the sheer number of things going on in this drink at once! Now that’s big Gemini energy.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Monster Zero Sugar Ultra Watermelon

You have to break through their emotional barrier (outer shell, or rind, if you will) to actually get to know a Cancer. In the same way, if you never open up a watermelon then it is just a giant green rock that makes a fun hollow sound when you slap it real hard. But make it through the rind and, hooo boi, are watermelons sweet, subtle, complex, and refreshing, just like your Cancer buddies.

Leo (July 23-August 22): Juice Monster Pipeline Punch

Much like a good jazz square, Leos, and people named Raymond, everybody loves Monster Pipeline Punch. It is pretty unanimously seen as the best Monster flavor, and Leos pretty unanimously see themselves as the best people flavor. So this seems like a good fit.

Virgo (August 23-September 22): Java Monster Mean Bean

Virgos have a lot going on in their lives. They are, in fact, the glue holding this house of cards we call life together. (Do you glue a house of cards? No, right? Whatever, you get my point.) And sometimes they need a good ol’ giant morning coffee, don’t have time to get it, and this Monster flavor, which tastes like a sweet latte with a bunch of caffeine, swoops in and solves that problem right up.

Libra (September 23-October 22): Ginger Brew Monster Mule

A Mule is a fun mix of flavors. It has sweetness, acid, and a bit of tingly spice from the ginger. It’s definitely not one of those Monster Energy drinks that’s sweet and sweet alone, and that’s why it has Libra vibes. Yes, they can be sweet, but they are also sharp, spicy, and very well-balanced people. Just like the Ginger Brew Monster Mule.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Monster Reserve White Pineapple

Hi, Jessica here. What the heck is a white pineapple? I’ve been on earth for quite a while now and I don’t know this. Should I know this? It is a mystery to me, just like Scorpios, who are known for being the most mysterious and hard-to-read of the signs. Way to go Scorpios, you have me stumped. But that all adds to the cool, unreadable vibe. Let’s be real—Scorpios are that girl and we love that for them.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Juice Monster Aussie Style Lemonade

I don’t know what “Aussie lemonade” is, but it sounds fun. Is it that this Monster comes with a fried egg and beets on top like an Aussie-style burger? Is it that you can only consume this can upside down through a little tube like a hamster water container so that you are, for all intents and purposes, “down under” the can at all times? Is it that you have to pronounce it “Joourse Monstah Ozzay Stoyle Limonaid” like a true Australian? I still don’t know and I refuse to look it up. But I bet curious and knowledge-seeking Sagittarians would look it up for me and I appreciate that about them.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Monster Zero Sugar Ultra Paradise

We all have to be patient and wait until we have enough vacation days to take a vacation. And for most of us, it is a major drag. But for Capricorns, it is only a minor drag because they are the most patient people on this here planet. And where do a lot of people go on vacation? Paradise, that’s where! But with this Monster Energy drink flavor, even Capricorns can get a little taste of paradise while they patiently wait to fly wherever they are flying and take a load off.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Juice Monster Rio Punch

This is one of the more unique Monster flavors out there in that it is not only novel (just came out last month), but it is also a fruity, punch-inspired flavor with some warm spices mixed in. And the fact that I called this flavor not only “novel” but also “unique” probably made a bunch of you individualistic Aquarians feel all warm and happy inside, just like this flavor of Monster probably does to all those who try it. So that is why this unique and innovative little bad boy here had to be Aquarius.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): Monster Energy Reserve Orange Dreamsicle

Is there anything sweeter or more nostalgic than an orange dreamsicle? I mean it even has the word “dream” in it. It evokes hot summer days next to the pool with all your friends just chillin’ without a care in the world. This is the perfect Monster Energy drink flavor for the sweet, whimsical, nostalgic Pisces people. Trust me. If you want to romanticize your childhood days at the local public pool, just toss a dreamsicle into the memory and suddenly it becomes idyllic, just like outing with a Pisces friend somehow becomes a core memory.