Cereal Mascots, Ranked by How Confused They Make Me Feel, Sexually

Which cereal mascot leaves you feeling hot and bothered after a trip down the breakfast aisle? Find out if it aligns with my completely normal opinion.

When you’re walking the cereal aisle, looking for that perfect pick that will start your morning right, what are you drawn to? The percentile of oats and whole grains within a mix? The heart-healthy promises? The bible verse? (Shout out Ezekiel 4:9 loyalists!) Stop kidding yourself. Even if you buy a responsible, low-sugar cereal like the real adult you are now, you’re still inexplicably attracted to the beaming cartoon creatures. Admit it. And it’s not just because of childhood nostalgia. There’s something…well, let’s just say there’s something reminiscent of Robin Hood (the fox) within a few of these characters, if you catch my drift. So here’s the ranking that no one asked for but everyone’s thought about—a breakdown of cereal mascots’ animal magnetism. 

But first! Let’s get one thing out of the way before I dive into this very important ranking: There are NO mainstream female cereal mascots. So, I’m not being gender biased—the cereal industry is. Now that we’ve acknowledged that glaring issue in the cereal aisle, we can get to the good stuff and start objectifying some cartoons.

Read our full list of the best cereal we’ve tasted.

Buzz the Bee

I’ll be honest: I feel nothing for Buzz. Not a tingle, not a flutter. Nothing. Let’s keep moving.

Toucan Sam

That accent, am I right? No, really, am I? It’s confusing. He’s a bird. But that accent…

Lucky aka Sir Charms aka L.C. Leprechaun

He’s a spunky, red-headed Irishman in a top hat and a scarf. Speaking as a former New York hipster, he’s hard to resist. Plus, he’s apparently a knight.

Trix Rabbit

Much like Jessica Rabbit, another woman who fell for a rabbit, I like a partner who can make me laugh. He’s a classic schlemiel. Hard to resist.

Cap’n Crunch

Is the Cap’n a zaddy? He’s certainly fashionable. I mean, epaulets? The silver fox is serving a serious lewk. And he definitely has the confidence. Now, his eyebrows are on his hat, which leads me to wonder if it’s actually a hat or just part of his head. And that’s where the attraction starts to fade.

Snap, Crackle, and Pop

There’s something about this trio that says pop punk band to me—and 16-year-old Justine could never turn down a side sweep on a gentleman. Come to think of it, current-aged-Justine sees nothing wrong with it either. Quick disclaimer: You may say, “Hey, those elves look pretty young to me.” But to that I say, they’re elves! Elves look young forever. They might be 300 years old for all we know. So, back off, commenters. 

Tony the Tiger

He’s gotta be number one. The bandana alone puts him over the edge. And he clearly lifts. This is not controversial. We all knew it would end this way.