Pasta sauce is a thing people tend to find pretty universally great. So whether you are putting the sauce on your pasta, hiding random jars of it around your best friend’s apartment (hypothetically), or simply getting lost in it—everyone can agree, it’s really tough to go wrong. However, that doesn’t mean that there isn’t a clear front runner in the store bought pasta sauce world. There totally is, and (spoiler alert) it’s Rao’s, maker of Sporked’s favorite marinara sauce (and a bunch of other sauces we really loved). So let’s get saucy and comb through Rao’s extensive list of sauces to find out definitively which Rao’s sauce you are based on your zodiac sign.
Aries (March 21-April 19): Tomato Basil
Tomato basil may not be the most unique or groundbreaking pasta sauce flavor, but that’s just the thing. It’s standard issue pasta sauce and, therefore, no one hates tomato basil pasta sauce. It is a classic and a crowd pleaser, and while it is a common flavor, it is never a bad choice. This is just like Aries people, who are popular and well-liked but also love to be #1. This sauce is not an acquired taste, and neither are Aries folks.
Read our ranking of 20 Rao’s flavors
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Vodka Arrabbiata Sauce
Tauruses are a calming presence, just like the creamy, soothing nature of vodka sauce. But Tauruses also have a speecy-spicy wild side, and that’s why they have to be this spicy arrabbiata vodka sauce. This sauce kind of sets your world on fire but also calms you down? Don’t ask me to explain it—just talk to a Taurus friend or eat some spicy vodka sauce and experience it firsthand.
Read our ranking of the best arrabbiata sauce
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Limited Reserve Balsamic Marinara
Balsamic Vinegar? Marinara? Those two things are not like each other. In fact, they rarely go together. But because I trust Rao’s with my life, I believe that when they jar up this combo for us they already know it is absolutely fire. Geminis also have two entirely unrelated sauces within them, and the combo creates one curious, high-energy bringer of chaos who is highly dang lovable.
Read our ranking of the best marinara sauce
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Four Cheese
This bad boy looks like its gonna be a regular ol’ tomato sauce, but HA! RAO’S FOOLED YOU! There are actually four whole cheeses in it. This one has to be Cancers because I have definitely walked up to my friend who is a Cancer thinking everything was dandy only to realize that they too have something secret going on inside.
Read our ranking of 20 Rao’s flavors
Leo (July 23-August 22): Sensitive Marinara
Hehehe. Yes, this is a real product. Hey, what can I say? Some people just need a little bit of hand-holding from their food to be able to digest it (nothing wrong with that; FODMAP for the win!). Similarly, sometimes our Leo friends are just like this sauce and need some hand-holding from their support system to help them process the big scary world, and you know what? That’s super valid, Leos.
Read our ranking of the best sensitive marinara sauce
Virgo (August 23-September 22): Bacon Alfredo
Virgos always have a bajillion irons in the fire, so hopefully one of those irons is actually pan-shaped and has this sauce and some pasta in it. Why? Because much like Virgos, this sauce is doing the most and doing it super efficiently. With sauce like this, our overcommitted Virgos can get protein (bacon) at the same time as their other protein (dairy). Win-win!
Read our ranking of the best alfredo sauce
Libra (September 23-October 22): Limited Edition Reserve Calabrian Chili
Libras like fancy, beautiful, balanced, harmonious things, and this sauce is a fancy little take on Spicy Marinara. It is sweet, salty, spicy, oily, umami—in the words of Stefon from SNL, this sauce has everything.
Read our ranking of the best marinara sauce
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Truffle Ketchup flavored with Olive Oil
Seeing this sauce on the Rao’s website made me (as the band 4 Non Blondes would say) “scream from the top of my lungs: what’s going on?” In other words, I wondered what the heck a random ketchup was doing on the pasta sauce company’s site—then again, what is ketchup if not a tomato sauce twice blended (and cooked down with more sugar and, in this case, infused with truffles)? So I shall allow it. Plus, I think this flavor looks as cool and mysterious as this whole experience was—all very Scorpio, the cool and mysterious sign.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Alfredo
Sagittarians are curious and love accumulating knowledge, so they would know that real Alfredo sauce doesn’t have cream in it and is instead traditionally an emulsion of pasta water and cheese. But life isn’t real—we are living in a simulation and the Rao’s team knows it, so this Alfredo sauce has cream in it, gosh darn it, and boy does it taste good.
Read our ranking of the best alfredo sauce
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Bolognese
Bolognese—proper, good Bolognese—takes quite some time to prepare. And while Capricorns are the only sign that would ever have the maturity and patience for that, sometimes we have to give our patient friendos a break by serving them this slow-cooked sauce from a jar. Just because we are nice like that.
Read our ranking of the best bolognese sauce
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Marinara
I know, “What? The most basic sauce for the self-proclaimed ‘least basic’ of the signs?!? Are you mad?”
No, just disappointed…
…that you don’t see what I mean by this! Yes, this is a standard sauce, but, hey, this is the best version of it on the market right now. Plus, leave it to a creative Aquarius to find new and interesting ways to use a huge jar of marinara sauce—it’s like a very tasty, saucy blank canvas. Maybe they’ll put it in bread? Maybe on bread? Maybe around the bread? You never know what innovative solution you are going to get. And that is very Aquarius of Rao’s Marinara.
Read our ranking of the best marinara sauce
Pisces (February 19-March 20): Arrabbiata
I mean, come on. The spiciest of sauces for the Spiciest of Pisces? There is no other way this could have gone. Benedict Cumberbatch himself checked all the timelines and everything (probably, he never responded to my email) and there is no world in which arrabbiata belongs to any other sign. Plus the sweet tomato mixed with the spice of the peppers? How romantic! Pisces love a good romantic moment and this sauce feels like it could get most people there. Much like the Duke in Bridgerton, this sauce burns for you. But don’t just take my word for it, grab your pisces friends and a jar of sauce and see what happens!
Read our ranking of the best arrabbiata sauce
Thoughts? Questions? Complete disagreement? Leave a comment!