Kool-Aid Should Start Making Booze

Dear Mr. Kool-Aid Man, I want to thank you for all the birthday parties, sleepovers, and questionable side hustles that your products have supported throughout my early years. However, now that I have reached (and surpassed) the legal drinking age, I must address the pitcher-shaped void in my adult life. I will no longer tip-toe around the fact that you have the capabilities to market the perfect pre-made cocktail, yet for some reason have chosen not to. I hope to change that by highlighting the opportunities that incorporating alcohol into the Kool-Aid product lineup would create for myself, for you, and for the booze-drinking community.

Adding liquor to Kool-Aid is a coming-of-age activity, sure, but it is more than that. It is something adult drinkers of all ages have been doing for years. There are recipes online for pink lemonade Kool-Aid vodka slushies, layered Kool-Aid jello shots, and Kool-Aid cocktails, and you’re telling me the Kool-Aid R&D department hasn’t taken notice? Kools, if I may address you that way Sir, please give the grown people what they (er, I mean we) want: pre-made boozy Kool-Aid products. I admittedly don’t drink that often, but a hard Kool-Aid seltzer seems like an obvious choice for an occasional drinker and lifelong Kool-Aid fan like me. You’re going to sit back and let White Claw and Truly control the hard seltzer world, knowing the kind of sugary power and deep-seated childhood loyalty you have at your command? Why would you turn a blind eye to the aged 21+ adults who grew up devotedly consuming your product? Is this some kind of power move? Or have you just forgotten about us?

Taking an interest in alcohol is a normal part of growing up, something that you should know, Kool-Aid Man. Having made your first official appearance in 1974, that makes you at least 48 years old). Sorry to put your business on display like that, but there’s nothing wrong with getting older. And 48 is the perfect age to become the fun uncle who hooks their younger (but of-legal-age) family members up with booze (and encourages them to drink it responsibly). We’re all allowed to grow up, Mr. Kool-Aid. Even you.

And frankly, Kool-Aid Co. might need this. I feel old even asking this, but are the kids these days drinking Kool-Aid like they used to? When I was a kid, we could not pump ourselves full of enough of it. We loved Kool-Aid so much, we repurposed the powder into candy-like pastes and ate it. I’m not sure that today’s youth are consuming Kool-Aid with nearly as much fervor. The company must realize this, having shifted some of their marketing towards an older audience (like Kool-Aid Sparklers aimed at teenagers). If you can age up your marketing to teens, why not age it up just a little bit further to adults who want to get blasted (I mean, moderately inebriated, in a responsible way) on boozy Kool-Aid? It’s at least worth a shot. So, Mr. Kool-Aid Man, how about we stop playing games and start making some money. Call me.